Things I will forever be upset about:
1. I don’t know what my Patronus is
2. I don’t know what Amortentia smells like to me
3. I don’t know what I’d see in the Mirror of Erised
4. I don’t know what my Boggart would be
5. I don’t know for sure what house I would be in
6. I don’t know the specifications of my wand are.
"Homophobia: The fear that another man will treat you like you treat women." ~ (unattributed)
Damn son our uterus stretches like 5x the size and then contracts and pushes a 7 pound baby out of a small tube into life if you think that isn’t metal as fuck get out of my face
YOUR ORGANS THOUGH IM SO SORRY LADIES
damn selfish babies taking up all the space
NAW MAN, LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT PREGNANCY AND BABIES, ALRIGHT?
FIRST OF ALL, IT SUCKS DICK. FIRST OFF LET ME GIVE YOU A MOTHERFUCKING RUNDOWN ON WHAT YOU SHOULDN’T EAT OR DRINK WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT.
- NO UNCOOKED ANYTHING IN FUCKING GENERAL ACTUALLY. AND ESPECIALLY NOT FISH.
- ANYTHING WITH CAFFEINE IN IT, WHICH INCLUDES COFFEE, SODA, CHOCOLATE (THAT’S RIGHT, NO CHOCOLATE), SEVERAL TYPES OF COOKIES AND CANDIES, AND ENERGY DRINKS.
- VEGETABLES AND MEATS THAT ARE RICH IN NITRATES LIKE HOTDOGS, SAUSAGE, LETTUCE, SPINACH AND CELERY.
SO BASICALLY IF YOU’RE USED TO EATING OR DRINKING ANY OF THOSE THINGS YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO QUIT COLD TURKEY THE SECOND YOU GET PREGNANT.
NOW I’M NOT EVEN DONE. YOU SEE THAT PINK UPSIDE-DOWN TRIANGLE BELOW THE BABY’S HEAD? YEAH? THAT’S YOUR BLADDER. BABIES SQUEEZE DOWN ON THAT LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW AND ONCE YOU HIT THE THIRD TRIMESTER, YOU BASICALLY HAVE AN ELDERLY PERSON’S BLADDER. MY MOTHER TELLS ME SHE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AT LEAST 6 TIMES A DAY JUST SO SHE WOULDN’T WET HERSELF. ALSO WITH A BABY SQUEEZING’ UP AGAINST YOUR FUCKING INTESTINES LIKE THAT SAY HELLO TO CONSTIPATION NATION, EVERYONE.
SO NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE THE BLADDER AND BOWELS OF AN OLD PERSON, BUT THAT GROWING HUMAN BEING GROWING OUT OF YOUR GULLET ALSO PUTS A HUUUUGE STRAIN ON YOUR BACK. NOT TO MENTION IT’S A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS TO MOVE ANYWHERE, SINCE YOU NEED TO START WALKING LIKE SOMEONE OUT OF A MONTY PYTHON SKIT JUST TO GET AROUND EFFICIENTLY. ALSO THAT ADDED WEIGHT MAKES YOUR FEET ACHE SOMETHING AWFUL. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL GUESS WHAT. YOU CAN’T TAKE ASPRIN. ABSOLUTELY NO ASPRIN. NO IBUPROFEN, NO NAPROXEN NO NOTHING.
SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU IN PROBABLY THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE YOU WILL EVER BE, BUT YOUR MEDICINE CHOICES ARE EXTREMELY FUCKING LIMITED. (AND NO, I MENTIONED NO CHOCOLATE EITHER.)
DO YOU GUYS NOT REALIZE THAT THE FATE OF SOCIETY AND THE HUMAN RACE IN GENERAL IS BASED ON THE FACT THAT WOMEN MOSTLY CHOOSE TO GET PREGNANT? FOR LITTLE TO NO REWARD?! THE UNITED STATES ONLY GIVES 12 UNPAID WEEKS OF MATERNITY LEAVE ON AVERAGE.
YOU WOULD THINK THAT THE FUCKING PROCESS BY WHICH OUR POPULATION CONTINUES TO GROW WOULD BE FUCKING REWARDED AND CELEBRATED, NOT SWEPT UNDER THE FUCKING RUG LIKE A PIECE OF FUCKING DUST.
Greatest rant ever.
You forgot alcohol. Which really should have been the first thing mentioned…
Well, we just assume alcohol is not on the average every-day consumption list and it’s kinda obvious you can’t drink or smoke or participare in a gang bang once you’re pregnant.
"GETTING KICKED IN THE BALLS HURTS WAY MORE!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!"
i could tell by the way you could stand back up in about 3 minutes
Thank God I’m never getting pregnant
once again Tumblr giving me more information than school ever has
Most of these food prohibitions—including light to moderate alcohol consumption, actually—are not supported by any research. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is associated with the consumption of ~9+ shots a day continuously through most or all of pregnancy—the pregnant person’s malnutrition starts causing issues for the fetus before the alcohol does. Studies looking at consumption of up to ~12 drinks per week during the second and third trimesters have failed to find negative effects on fetal development; some studies of light consumption (~5 or fewer drinks per week) actually report some benefits to early child development, though it’s nothing I would call conclusive.
Caffeine is the only one with strong supporting evidence that it can interfere with fetal development, and it’s still dose-dependent such that under 300mg a day (generally equivalent to ~2 cups or less) is probably not an issue at all. It’s true that any amount of smoking is bad for fetal development, both because of nicotine and the toxic byproducts of smoking itself—in fact, the only consistent negative effects researchers have been able to associate with marijuana use during pregnancy are consistent with what you’d expect from smoking ANYTHING.
The NSAID prohibition is legitimate, but opiate pain killers such as hydrocodone are actually pretty safe, as long as you’re not using them heavily and habitually throughout the pregnancy, which can create fetal dependency issues. Hydrocodone, most commonly formulated/known as Vicodin, is pretty much the mildest opiate you can get, but even morphine and similar drugs are safe for short-term use in pregnancy.
I’m going to assume that the poster talking about “gang bangs” is basically just describing group sex, and sex is generally fine unless you have placenta previa; number of partners is irrelevant. Some people do actually experience increased sex drive, especially in the second trimester, although this varies widely.
Lots of things about pregnancy can suck, and the outrageous lack of even minimal social support for pregnant people in the US is truly horrible. But our ridiculous culture in which we not only fail to achieve any reasonable balance between risk and benefit when we talk about what pregnant people consume (including drugs for the treatment of conditions that pose real threat to the pregnant person), but actually privilege TOTALLY IMAGINARY risk to the fetus over ACTUAL DEMONSTRABLE risk to the pregnant person, makes it a LOT harder than it should be for many people.
reblogging for commentary ^^
You know how people say NOPE in giant bolded letters about pictures of spiders? I’d rather fucking bathe in spiders daily for 9 months than be pregnant.